Wine Glasses to Sippy Cups…

I don’t even know where to begin… Other than to say obedience to God is amazing. Sacrifice is amazing.

God has asked me and my daughter to take in four people at different times in order to help them to have the opportunity to get on their feet, out of rough situations, and to grow to know him and we have taken them all. In return we have received so much purpose and joy in our lives that it is often overwhelming because of His goodness and just watching Him work in these people’s lives and situations.

Does everything always work out the way we wanted them to when we are obedient to God’s call? Unfortunately the answer is no.

Two of the people he had us take in went back to bad situations because they chose to walk past the open doors God gave them. However, I know seeds were planted and even though those situations didn’t work out as we had hoped we were still blessed during those seasons.

Fortunately, the very first person we experienced this with has an amazing story to tell and we are still friends to this day. Now the fourth one is on the right path and it looks really good.

However, this one has been MY most challenging mission yet because I have taken in a young mom and her toddler. I have had to learn to be extra patient and to sacrifice my comfort in so many ways.

Back story on me is that I cope with my inner chaos by having my environment completely in place, meaning clean, organized, and very routine.

Yet, when you have a toddler around that seems to go right out the window (:

My living room is no longer a show case for my candles and knick knacks, but instead it has turned into a gym or play center with a princess ball pit right in the center of it all. Instead of my sixth kitchen chair complete with matching placemat, I have a bare spot on the table because she likes to whip the placemat onto the floor, and a highchair instead of the kitchen chair. When I open my cabinet I see sippy cups where my wine glasses once were and there always seems to be crumbs on the floor because they tend to get whipped around when she is eating and no matter how much you sweep they always seem to appear.

Don’t get me wrong, it was tough on me the first couple of weeks. I felt like my world was falling apart but I worked through it and realized that candles and placemats don’t really matter when it comes down to the lives of those God wants to help.

I am so honored that God would choose me, a person who often sees herself as a complete mess, as someone He trusts with the lives of those that he places in my home.

This world and the the comfort it offers us here in America is not home. We are here to do His work for His Kingdom, which we will have the Joy of partaking in when we pass from this sad and broken world. I can’t wait to see Him and have Him tell me what a great job I did.




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A Veteran’s Thank You!

John 19: 16 Then Pilate handed Jesus over to be crucified, and the soldiers took Him away. 17 Carrying His own cross,He went out to The Place of the Skull, which in Aramaic is called Golgotha. 18 There they crucified Him, and with Him two others, one on each side, with Jesus in the middle.…

I love how God is so real and alive that you can find Him and His Word in every situation in life. Due to this we can always find something to connect us to Him, something to relate to. Today, I am thinking about the connection between Jesus and the men and women who put their lives on the line to protect us and our country.

Jesus put His life on the line when He walked to the cross knowing that He would die for us, and yes, He even did it for those who don’t want anything to do with him. He had to do this so that we could have freedom from the enemy and enter paradise one day, if we choose to accept this gift.

When somebody enlists in the military they are putting their lives on the line just like Jesus did, so that we could have freedom and be safe from our enemies. Still there are those who don’t really seem to care about what these people do for us, they say it is a choice and don’t appreciate it, yet these soldiers do it for them too.

Yes, these men, women, and Jesus chose to do these things, but does that mean it doesn’t deserve honor and respect, just because it was a choice?

Essentially, we are all in a battle everyday trying to survive and heal our wounds and we all have battle scars. Due to my own personal battle I am grateful for these men and women and understand the mental/emotional trauma that many of them experience, all because they made a choice to protect you and me.

So I just lift them and their families up and pray that they all see their special place in relation to Jesus’ own story and the life he gave for them. I pray they see the beauty in it all and will choose to let Him now protect them from the enemy. I pray the families that have lost loved ones are comforted and that those who have emotional/mental wounds are healed in Jesus’ name.

Thank you for your service and the choice that you made… I appreciate it…

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So AT Love…

Luke 22: 42 & 44 “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.

I started to research what love is for a message I am giving to my youth group. I already knew from Scripture that love is unconditional, an action no matter what, but digging into it just opened my eyes even more and it has taken root so that I can walk in it even more.

When you look up the definition of love, the first thing to come up is that it is a feeling. Then the fifth example down said that it is an action of being unselfish. Both are actually biblical but the difference is that even though God feels emotions he doesn’t let those emotions control his actions. He tells us not to sin in our anger, he doesn’t say that anger is bad but sinning in it is, letting it control your actions is what hurts us and others.

Then as I researched more, the examples of being IN Love and AT love came up. Being in love is a feeling which motivates you to do for another person. Being at love is a stand, a position saying I will love you no matter what, it is unconditional.

This is especially important in marriage. God says we are to be with one person and nothing should break that bond (except cheating, which is huge because it has sexual bonds, but that’s another blog). The feeling of love will fade but if you actually stand by your word to love somebody, you will do so through action the rest of your life.

The problem with the world is that we act based on feelings. So in a dating relationship it feels good the first couple of years and then the feeling fades away. This is when many people divorce and move on. If it gets hard then they think they must have not loved that person like they thought and there is something better out there. Just to be disappointed again and again.

In the scripture above Jesus sets a wonderful example of being AT love with others. He knew he was about to be arrested, beaten, spit on and made fun of as we walked to a cross where nails would be driven through his feet and wrists so that he could die the most excruciating death, all for people who he loved but hated him through their actions.

He told God “take this cup”, he was saying “I don’t want to do this”. He was in anguish meaning feelings of despair, torture and heartbreak. He probably felt like throwing up from the intense mental and emotional pain he was in knowing about the physical pain to come. Yet, he said “Your will be done”.

Even though he didn’t feel all warm and fuzzy like he was in love with us, he had taken a stand to love us and he followed through with it even though it didn’t feel good. This is the true example of love and what it means to stand by your word.

If we just learn to love like God loves, then lives can be changed by that love. Just like Jesus dying on the cross offers us Salvation to change not only our lives but our destiny. Imagine the comfort of knowing that the people in your life will love you no matter what but will also be honest and challenge you so that you can have the fullness you were called to. How amazing would that security be?



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Did You Lose Your Zeal For Christ?

This past week has been an amazing week. I am back to how I was with God in the beginning of my walk with him. I am trusting and I want him more than my addiction.

I was asked this question “how bad do you want God and what He has in store for you”? I saw the image of a beer sparkling in a mug in my mind and I realized that I have been wanting alcohol more than God for the past few years. This truth in turn made me want God more.

He took me through a series of reminders of how I used to dance with Him, how He was the love of my life. But then when He told me we were going to walk through healing the sexual abuse in my past, I shut Him out partially, to a level I was comfortable with. I wanted Him but didn’t want the healing.

So He let me go do my thing and finally I saw yet again that it was hurting me and I wanted more again, more of Him, more of a purpose. So I surrendered.

That was the key, surrender. For the past few years (when I went back to drinking) I have been trying to quit on my own, almost like a works mentality. This lead to condemnation and more struggling. The enemy was able to help me think that I was following God and trying to be obedient but the part he left out was that it is impossible to be obedient and not controlled by my addiction, without God.

So now I have just been spending every minute with God and taking those small steps that He tells me to. He has sent others to minister due to my honesty and every time I tell of my struggle it has less power over my life. Being vulnerable and honest is hard but not as hard as hiding and struggling on your own.

Somebody once told me right after I was saved and told my testimony at church “you will lose that feeling”. Truth is I did lose that “high” when I put a wall up to God but I never lost hope and I had that feeling return on and off while I went through my struggling and God would come pull me up again. And now that feeling is as strong as it was the day I was saved.

So my thought is “if you lost your zeal for Christ, what do you need to surrender to get it back”?

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Your Freedom Awaits You!

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

The hardest thing I have had to do today was click on publish.

So here it goes…

I had a rough night and morning, but it was a good and healing kind of rough. I finally fell apart and surrendered within my heart. I have been fighting it and surrendering halfheartedly for so long that I am exhausted.

I am a Born Again Christian with a drinking problem. I am the daughter of Christ who struggles with a disease but I am not going to define myself as an alcoholic because my identity is as His daughter and I am His princess. I will not identify with the enemy.

I am done with hiding halfway in the shadows, worrying about how I need to uphold this perfect Christian facade. Or thinking that I need to be “okay” for others.

There is so much pressure on Christians to be perfect in Godliness so we aren’t called hypocrites or told that we aren’t showing Christ. When in fact this way of thinking or acting is the very opposite of His message and keeps one foot in the darkness.

I am His message. I am broken, I am weak, I am scared and powerless to overcome these things on my own. He went through what He did for me and you, so we can be set free and that dark veil can be lifted from our lives and from within our souls.

The hard part is trusting Him enough to put it out into the light. But He is waiting and will be there when you finally do. Then your freedom will come as mine has.


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My Relationship Resume…

What if you were on an online dating site and saw this resume, what would you do? I believe that if we were all as transparent as this, we would find our Hosea (whether Hosea is a man or a woman) because we all struggle in one way or another, but we have to be honest as to not deceive one another.

I am a born again Christian looking for the same…

80% of the time I am a “Christian” woman, the other 20% I am struggling with my old self.

In my old life I smoked pot on a regular basis, popped pills, drank heavily (shot after shot) to numb my pain and had the compulsion to be in a relationship thinking it would bring my change.

But it ended up that I would change who I was in every relationship to please the person I was with in the hopes that they would love me the way I wanted to be loved. Problem is that most of them were abusive yet I held on to the hope that I could change that with me compromising who I am, even though I didn’t know who that really was. The other half of the time in those relationships I was miserable because I was hiding who I really was because I couldn’t trust that person to share my actual pain and what I really needed in a man.

Now, since I have surrendered to Jesus and been saved, I am the 80/20. Right away I was delivered from the issue with “needing” a man. Then the weed and pills. Drinking went down to a 6 pack and smoking is rare, but I do smoke my vape daily. He healed me of an STD, gave me back my “innocence” and brought up my confidence.

But how it is now, 6 years later… One day I am praising God and not struggling with who I am, the next I am listening to secular hard core metal/rock and drinking, then the next day I am listening to worship music while drinking. But no matter what day it is, I am talking to God and about God. I think about Him every moment I am awake and sometimes in my sleep. My heart yearns for Him all the time and my soul craves talking about Him no matter what state of mind I am in. I can’t even watch a movie without thinking about Him and a message for the world. I talk to Him as if He were sitting right next to me (thank God for Bluetooth, so others don’t think I am crazy (:

I always think about how unworthy I am to have the kind of love that I have from Him, that He shows me all of these things. He shows me how we should love others in a way that is foreign to the rest of the world, but how if we did love as He does us, the world would be so different, people would be so different.

For myself I see the need for a Hosea. I may not be as bad off as Gomer but I see that there are things in my life that don’t seem faithful to God, but my heart is there. I want and need someone who will pursue me and love me as God loves and pursues me. I need to talk to you for real and be transparent and instead of being condemned have Scripture come from you mouth without judgment.

I will always take care of you, I won’t cheat in the way Gomer did, but I am cheating on God and you, in ways I believe we all are. And if those ways aren’t ways that will hurt or abuse each other then I believe we should love and pursue each other in the way God loves and pursues us.

This video summarizes it perfectly.





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The Sun Brings Pain…

John 1:5 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

I don’t even know where I am going to go with this blog, and I feel it’s going to be a long one.

I usually only write when things are good but they aren’t right now… It’s not like it’s the first time things have been tough, but I usually don’t share until the change has come. You see, with God there are these times that we come to know as the dessert. It’s a dry place where you struggle, you don’t sense His presence and you may feel (like I do) that I am doing everything wrong. But then it seems like out of nowhere, everything you went through comes to fruition and you are filled with pure Joy and Peace. This is what keeps me going, that Hope of knowing that this will pass.

Every Summer I seem to go through this slump, where I crave being able to do the things I used to without conviction. People have said this is because the nice weather brings things out of us that other seasons don’t. But I have really questioned this in my life and I believe that I relate it to bad things that have happened in my life. Summer is the season when I feel I need to numb most, and when my desire for being desired is stirred up.

I feel like I start to let God down even though Scripture tells me that He loves me so much and just believing in the sacrifice he made is enough. He will let me do my thing, get angry and feel like I am falling apart yet take care of me during it and bless me abundantly after. But I can’t shake the feeling that I am betraying Him like Judas did.

I have actually seen His blessings in my life and His love since I was saved (they were always there, I just didn’t see them then) and yet I crave what brought me to Him in the first place. The things I crave made me miserable yet I want them back at times. I don’t understand, other than in that moment its gone.

The only thing I can think of is that the nicer months used to be my favorite growing up and now the memories I have (that should bring me happiness) bring me sadness. I remember being outside all the time at the park, learning how to ride a bike, my parents had people over, and I remember them sitting outside at night talking while we played ghosts in the graveyard. But that fatal night when I was changed and my innocence was taken, everything changed. My mom went from what I remember, to someone filled with despair. Even though she did nothing wrong, she felt the pain deeper than I did. Life can kick you ass at times but you may not be the blame.

Ever since then, the sun on my face and the crickets chirping have brought me pain.



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