This past week has been an amazing week. I am back to how I was with God in the beginning of my walk with him. I am trusting and I want him more than my addiction.
I was asked this question “how bad do you want God and what He has in store for you”? I saw the image of a beer sparkling in a mug in my mind and I realized that I have been wanting alcohol more than God for the past few years. This truth in turn made me want God more.
He took me through a series of reminders of how I used to dance with Him, how He was the love of my life. But then when He told me we were going to walk through healing the sexual abuse in my past, I shut Him out partially, to a level I was comfortable with. I wanted Him but didn’t want the healing.
So He let me go do my thing and finally I saw yet again that it was hurting me and I wanted more again, more of Him, more of a purpose. So I surrendered.
That was the key, surrender. For the past few years (when I went back to drinking) I have been trying to quit on my own, almost like a works mentality. This lead to condemnation and more struggling. The enemy was able to help me think that I was following God and trying to be obedient but the part he left out was that it is impossible to be obedient and not controlled by my addiction, without God.
So now I have just been spending every minute with God and taking those small steps that He tells me to. He has sent others to minister due to my honesty and every time I tell of my struggle it has less power over my life. Being vulnerable and honest is hard but not as hard as hiding and struggling on your own.
Somebody once told me right after I was saved and told my testimony at church “you will lose that feeling”. Truth is I did lose that “high” when I put a wall up to God but I never lost hope and I had that feeling return on and off while I went through my struggling and God would come pull me up again. And now that feeling is as strong as it was the day I was saved.
So my thought is “if you lost your zeal for Christ, what do you need to surrender to get it back”?