Is He Trying To Tell You Something?

John 15:1-2 “I am the true vine (Jesus), and my Father is the gardener (God). He cuts off every branch (Christian) in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.

I Hear You Calling – Click Here

Since I lost my job I have become more disciplined in my daily ALONE time with God. I used to think that talking with God throughout my day was enough but I am realizing that ALONE time with Him is necessary to move into a deeper relationship with Him.

God has been speaking to me a lot through John. He showed me that I still struggle with sin because I don’t truly grasp “I AM”. He has taken me through a series of moments that keep confirming that I should be reading John. I even looked up “what does I AM mean” and Jesus refers to himself as “I AM” 7 times and they all happen to be in John.

I have always known that “I AM” means the beginning, the end and everything in between. But there is something deeper that I am missing and that is what he is going to show me. Today I turned on my Roku and on ABC family it said that Boy Meets World was on, so I turned the station and Joyce Meyers was starting instead. She was teaching on John 15. This is crazy to me, since I am getting even closer to Him, he is clearly speaking to me and clearly coming through.

Joyce was talking about remaining in Him and if we don’t remain in Him then we can do nothing. Remaining would include listening to the Spirit, worship, being in the Word daily etc. It is anything that will bring us closer to God so that we can be pruned (transformed). It was confirmed to me that I am on the right track in my thinking, that if I keep getting closer to Him then sin will fall away.

Yesterday, I read John 4:34 “My food,” said Jesus, “is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work. I always knew that the bread he is speaking of is the Word and it is to fill us up but what I realized yesterday is that it is also the actions that we take. It made me think back on all the times that God has really taken me deep into His will for me by helping others. He has had me take families to homeless shelters, He has told me to let others stay with me for a time and most recently He has asked me to let someone who is homeless shower in my home. These times are times when I was being so filled with Him and doing His will that I didn’t even think about things such as smoking or drinking because I was being fed and that is all I needed.

At times I ask God, “why did you put us here, why did you start this world” and yesterday I heard a teaching and the person teaching said that we were put here to show God’s glory. So what I am learning is that life here is lived to the fullest when we are walking life daily with God and this is why we were put here. But remember I was walking with Him, He was using me and changing me but now He is telling me there is more, that I can go even deeper with Him.

We are called to show His glory everyday through our transformation. To produce that Spiritual fruit which keeps us remaining in Him. So if we aren’t experiencing God and transformation daily then maybe we should question if we are a true believer or are we falling away? And if we have doubts about our relationship we should do everything we can to fix this because nothing and nobody is worth sacrificing our relationship with Christ.

Joyce closed with saying that when God is trying to prune us or purge the things that are in us (the things that are disloyal to Him), He begins with speaking His Word to us, then He moves on to changing our circumstances or situations and although they may be changes that hurt in the beginning it is because he is trying to protect us and give us the best that He has to offer.

So I have gotten His Word (I didn’t listen) and now He has changed my circumstance. I now pray that I listen before He needs to take me farther down this hard road in order to get me to be obedient.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

New Life Through Sacrifice…

Ecclesiastes 3:3 a time to kill and a time to heal,

This has been the best fast ever. As you may know I lost my job recently and I sensed that God was telling me not to worry about anything and to just focus on Him and getting closer to Him. I also sensed and received confirmation through other Christians that I should fast. I also received confirmation that I could do a form of the Daniel fast. Other than getting closer to God, I am doing this to have the strongholds of smoking and drinking broken and to hear my next step when the time comes.

One thing I have learned is that someone who has an issue with alcohol or is an alcoholic, can’t be defined by how much and how often they consume it. I used to drink just about everyday and a lot, but because of worldly standards I never considered myself an alcoholic. When I was saved my drinking went down considerably but God has shown me that even a few drinks is suppressing my past pain and without letting it emerge and processing through it, I can’t be transformed. I have been in counseling for a year or two and I have made great leaps in my Spiritual and personal life, but I still suppress at times.

God has given me time to overcome this once and for all. So I fasted the past two days. The first day I just felt tired and weak and then feelings started to emerge. I felt a sense of fear, loneliness and being insecure or unprotected. Then the Spirit brings up a moment in my past that I need to process through and if I process the feelings go away, I am no longer controlled by that moment or the feelings that go with it. I conquered the first day with no drinking or smoking.

Today was a bit more trying. I woke up consumed with the thought of smoking and fought it and prayed for about a half an hour, then I caved and had a smoke. I also had a cup of coffee. Then I just spent the whole day reading Scripture and this new book I got about how to submit to the Holy Spirit. As the day goes on those feelings from last night get stronger. I have no where to turn, no person or place could make me feel better. So I submit and let the Spirit take me there. It felt as if I was back in my past because the feelings were so real. I think, cry and process reminding myself that I am no longer there. Then I decide I need a break, some self care. So I take a bath and listen to meditation music and that is when God rewarded me.

I was asking the Spirit to reveal if I am supposed to change churches. I have felt him nudging me toward a particular one and it is called Treasure Seekers. I started thinking about the name and thought “they seek treasures” then it dawned on me that the treasures are what I consider the jewels that rise up in me when God changes me and I see a new part of myself emerge from within. As you process old stuff and release it to God a new piece of yourself emerges. Then I started to wonder what new jewel was about to emerge. Last time it was confidence. Then I started thinking about this other church, a church that the Spirit told me to ask for help. I am to ask them to help me pay for my counseling because I am to continue in it at this time. So I was thinking that I could repay them by sharing my testimony once this season is accomplished. Then I remembered a series of events, the first one being visions that God has given me, in these visions I am speaking to a large crowd. Then one time a missionary told me that I would be the DNA that would change the Church. I have also always had a heart for the Church and strengthening them. Then I remembered that a friend had asked me if I ever considered sharing my testimony with the Church, as a career.

It’s all coming together. I am being strengthened for my next move in my career. I might not have it all correct but I know it is going to be exciting. So God ended my hard work and those horrible feelings with a reward of Hope and excitement.

It is confirmed that this is a time to kill (the flesh) and to heal. What an awesome God.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Freaking Out!!!

If you read my last post you know that I am supposed to fast the next couple of days. I have been so excited about it because I know it will bring my next step in my walk with God, but now I am starting to freak out.

The thought of leaving certain things behind the rest of my life is so scary. I have been so dependent on some things for over 20 years that thinking about never having them again feels like being suffocated, I feel like the walls are closing in. In the morning I won’t have access to my computer either, so I won’t even be able to blog. I will actually need to use paper and pen to journal (:  That seem so funny to me because that is all there used to be.

My life is about to change a lot and even though I know every step I take with God is so much more amazing than I can even imagine it is still unknown. I remember when I was first saved and I went through this identity crisis because I was losing the person I used to be yet I still hadn’t found who I was in Christ and it was a horrible feeling. I guess that is what it’s feeling like right now. I know who I am in Christ more now than I did then, but I am still becoming a new creation and the unknown is freaking me out.

I am still losing my old self, my old identity and anytime you lose a piece of your identity it is scary even though God brings those jewels up from within you. Those jewels are pieces of your true identity that you didn’t know existed and they are transforming, yet I resist them. It’s amazing how much our flesh or natural desires keep us in the same comfort zone, even though it is a really bad experience, because it is what we know. The enemy is so slick we don’t even realize he is there. We try for that picket fence life and it ends up falling apart because we don’t seek God’s guidance because we think we know better.

Anyway, I am really scared and I am starting to panic so please pray for me. I guess this is a good sign because I am not panicking because I am out of work but because I am about to change again, change for the better. That means God is true to His word and all I have to focus on is Him and me.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

A New Season In My life…

John 15:5 “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

Start With Me – Click for Video

Hello, I am back (:   It’s been a while. I have been so busy working in my ministry job that I haven’t even had time to blog. But I was let go this past Monday, so now I have plenty of time on my hands.

Losing my job was such a blessing for me. I have had so much peace and Faith through the past few days. I have sought Godly counsel and realized how much support I have and how many new people care about me. I also realized that this isn’t about losing my job but gaining new life. I have some things that I need to submit to God and he has been reminding me about this lately. I keep asking him how to do this and he keeps telling me that I need to be more intimate with him. He hooked me up financially for the next month and a half and is telling me to have Faith and be patient. God has also been speaking right to me through Scripture.

For example, the verse above was a time when He answered me right away. I was looking at my kale because it is turning yellow and I use it for juicing, I said “it’s okay, I only need the stems”. Then I started to think about how the stems or roots supply all the nutrients to the rest of the plant. Then I started to think about God being the root and us being the branches. I sat down and opened my email and the verse above was what I read. I couldn’t believe it, I had just got done thinking about this and he said “Yes, I am the vine”. He wants me to be so rooted in him that I can let go of all other comforts in my life. So here I am with the time to seek Him and become stronger.

I will be fasting and praying for the next couple of days. I will be shedding my blood and killing my flesh. I can’t wait to be drawn closer to him, to hear him more clearly and to know my next step. I know it will be hard and the enemy will try to temp and attack me, but it will all be so worth it in the end. I have been transformed so much already and I can’t even imagine the woman I will become through this next season of submission. So I just ask for prayer, for me to remember all the events and confirmation that he has brought to me so that I don’t start to worry about anything but being with Him.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

How to process through…

When you have experienced traumatic events in your childhood, and never had the guidance to process through it, the pain and feelings are still stuck deep down inside.

That scared little girl is still inside of you. As an adult, you need to take her hand, help her process those feelings that she felt, and let God take her hand. This way you stop holding onto her and live in freedom from what you experienced.

God will bring to mind one piece at a time. The first reaction is to stuff and numb the feelings. You can do this by using money, material items, TV, video games, food, drugs, and alcohol etc.

Whatever you choose is probably passed down by seeing the example of how your family coped.

Now when a thought comes to mind, when something is triggered is me, instead of running to stuff it down, I stop. I then connect to how my little girl felt. I acknowledge her feelings (which can feel real again) and let her know that it is no longer reality. I grieve what she endured and then I visually put her hand in God’s hand and let him take her away. I set her free.

This is not an easy process. Maybe not even an instant process, but overtime she becomes less, until she is no longer there.

Nobody wants to feel those feelings again, but if she is imprisoned within you, you will not move forward. You will be forever stuck in the pain and bitterness.

It is important to have support that you can reach out to in case you can’t process on your own. It is important to have a relationship with Jesus, so that you have someone to hand her and those old feelings over to.

As I have walked through these steps my urge to numb has lessened and I have slowly started to see the real me come to life.

Remember He is there and if you recognize that He will set you free.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Our last night together!!!

I am going to miss you so much.

I will always remember you, yet try to forget, what you did for me all these years. We have been together for 22 years, that’s a long time, and although I thought you loved me and took care of me, Jesus has shown me that you are toxic.

It is hard to think about something I loved for so long, being toxic, but it is true. You have only hurt me and those around me.

The smell of bonfires, summer and cooking will remind me of you. However, I choose to let those thoughts go and to replace them with the thoughts of someone who can truly love me and make me whole.

I will remember you when I hear the music that we danced to. However, I will replace that song with another one.

I thought you loved me, but I see different now.

I remember when I was only 16 and I couldn’t take it anymore, you came to me and said you would take care of me, you would never let me hurt again.

The thing is that you did let me hurt. Every moment that we weren’t together I hurt, and I couldn’t be with you every moment. Now I see that we have a codependent relationship. Even when we were together you led me into situations where I was abused by those who also trusted you.

My daughter was witness to this for so many years. But now she sees you for who you truly are. She still may put herself into situations where you could take over, but she knows that if you do it will hurt.

You made me have courage to be mean to people. Truth is good, but when it comes from you it is brutal.

I have to take this stand because I love another, more than I do you. I have to remember how you have hurt me when I get weak. I have to remember how He has never hurt me.

I will miss how easy your comfort is, but His is forever.

He is faithful, He has made me strong and changed me. You only kept me the same, you never wanted me to grow, but only be dependent on you.

You have been jealous since the day I met Him. You and I have met less often and for a shorter time each time. You tried to win me back and it may have seemed you were winning but you are not.

I am giving you up. It will be a hard road, there will be a lot of grieving and replacing our memories but it will be worth it in the end. So enjoy this night because in the morning, I will be resurrected with him.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

All alone!!!

Isaiah 61:1 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners

I spoke at a potluck that we had for our client’s and the volunteers who shopped with them at Christmas, the other night. I talked about giving the Church another chance. That the people who volunteer with us are truly genuine people from the Church who care about them.

I acknowledged how so many broken people feel judged by those in the Church but that it is wrong to judge everyone in the Church based on the majority.

My daughter came up to me after I spoke and told me that she got Isaiah 61:1 as her Scripture for the day, at that moment, and it was for me and what I was doing by speaking.

My daughter was blessed to go on a retreat this weekend due to the church who is hosting it and my friend paying for it.

My daughter is a very social and outgoing extrovert, when she is in a social scene that contains unsaved or oppressed kids.

God is using her to speak to the kids in our community. So many of the kids she meets are broken and feel like they don’t belong with God yet they are still seeking.

Because she is so real about her sin they automatically trust her and respect her view on God.

When she is with “Christian” kids she is the opposite. She seems more shy and self conscious. She says that girls in youth groups are more judgmental and not as accepting of her.

So she was full of anxiety on the way to this retreat because she only knew 1 person out of hundreds, that we ended up arguing and then God calmed us down, so we could process what was going on.

She admitted that she was scared that she wouldn’t fit in.

I prayed for God to help her feel like she fits in and if she doesn’t for God to help her know what she is supposed to try and teach the Church.

I talked with her today around 1pm. She has been there since 9pm last night, and she was alone sitting in a hall. She talked to me for about a half hour which shows me that she was alone for sure, she is a typical teenager who wants to be with friends, and it’s like pulling teeth to get her time.

She told me that she talked with a couple of kids and seemed to connect a bit with one but she said that she feels “irrelevant”. These kids have known each other for a long time and  they have their groups set, and they don’t reach out for new people.

I have felt like this as an adult when I have gone to Churches.

I remember the first day at a Church that I stayed at for 8 years. I went to service and during coffee or “fellowship hour” I stood alone drinking my coffee. I was about to leave and never come back and I heard the laugh of a man, which for some reason made me want to come back. I gave it another chance and then I met this man. He was truly one of God’s. I stayed for 8 years because of him.

Anyway, I reminded Heaven that what she was experiencing was what so many people in our community are experiencing or feeling about the  Church, like they don’t belong. I said that is why we are who God created us to be, because we are to speak for the oppressed because we have been oppressed. I asked her if she was going to be able to make it the whole weekend and she said “yes, she was staying”.

I am so proud of her. I don’t know what God has planned, but she still has 21 hours to go. I am sure He will use this for her to speak to the broken, whether here at home or there at the retreat.

I see this as one of the problems with the Church, we are supposed to be the most accepting and loving people because we are supposed to know what the cross meant more than anyone else in this world. We are supposed to know what being “loving” is more than most. Yet my daughter who loves the Lord is sitting alone.

The cross happened for the hurting and oppressed, yet the enemy has used their shame to keep them from it. Jesus came for us sinners who know we are sinners. The broken community accepts that they do wrong, which is better than those who have it all and yet don’t think they sin enough to be rejected by God.

So many in the Church reinforce this by rejecting those who need it most.

I just asked Heaven at 6pm if she is hanging out with friends and she said “no”. That means 5 hours later she still hasn’t been brought into a group other than the mandatory small groups.

God, I pray that the ones who don’t know you yet realize that the Church building shouldn’t be taken as the example of you. There truly are few who are on the narrow road and I pray that you use those who are on it, to reach the broken in order to see they are accepted.

I pray that you teach my daughter what she is supposed to know from this experience. I pray that you don’t let her turn from the Church because of this experience.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment