Love LGBT?

I told you in my last blog that I met this man who was part of an organization that supported and helped anyone who related to being LGBT.

I had to do an event for work and when I walked in they happened to seat me next to this man. We made our introductions and told each other about the organizations that we were representing. My first thought was “Lord, help me”.

In these situations in the past, my heart would start to beat rapidly and my thought pattern was that they, were against God and my beliefs and that I needed to show them their sin and where it was taking them. I had to sit next to this man for the next 3 hours and didn’t know how I was going to deal with this situation.

But God took over and this man, named Michael, opened up conversation about God. Michael said that at the last event he was at, a conservative Christian man came up to him and started to say mean things. This man treated Michael like he was garbage. I told Michael that I was a Christian but that I loved everyone. This love opened the door to speaking about God for the next 2.5 hours.

Michael shared the horrible things that happened to him since childhood by the hands of men who should have loved him and protected him, not to mention the man who should have lead him spiritually.

It was clear that Michael hates men including himself for being created as one. He even relates to the Holy Spirit as being a woman named Sophia. I guess in the church that this organization is starting, they claim that the Holy Spirit is a woman named Sophia and this was lost in the translation of the Bible over the years. Sophia had relations with Mary to create Jesus, which I guess makes same sex relationship Godly. And it became clear through other parts of the conversation that Michael has a hard time thinking of God as a man.

I didn’t tell him that he was wrong nor did I say he was a sinner destined for Hell. But I was able to share my testimony, how I believed God and the Spirit were men and what kind of relationship I had with God. Michael seemed to really listen and ponder what I said. I believe this is because of my recent growth with God and the over whelming love I feel toward others. I am now able to completely separate person from sin.

If I would have acted like the last Christian he encountered (which I would have in the past) I believe his defenses would have been up, but they weren’t. Without going into detail (because it would make this blog too long) I know that God is drawing Michael. He had a revelation about how you can have an actual relationship with God and that God is not like the men he has encountered, right in front of my eyes.

As I was getting ready to leave he asked me to take this angel statue that he had with him. He said that it was very important to him because it was given to him by a woman that passed away and she had a relationship with God like I did. So I deserve it more than he did.

I was shocked because when we first started to talk, he was talking as if he had a relationship with God but had a different view of who God was than I did. So I said with shock “I thought you were saying that you had a relationship with God but different views than I did”? He said “NO, I don’t have a relationship with God, if anything I guess it’s with the goddess”.  But he was no longer sure.

So I said “Well, I love to talk about God, here is my phone number, if you ever have questions or want to talk about Him, then call me”.

He gave me the angel and I gave him a hug. Then we parted ways.

I am asking for prayer for Michael to find Christ and His love. He is heavy on my heart. I prayed for him with my youth group after the message I gave, and I wept as I prayed (which I know was the Spirit).

I have thought about what to do with this angel. My initial thought was to use it as my connection to Michael and pray for him with my hands laid upon it, since it is our connection. Then I started worrying that it has demonic spirits attached to it and threw it out. Then as I wrote this I realized that it was attached to a woman who also witnessed to Michael, and he considered her a person like me, who loved God, and held it dear to his heart for years and chose to let go of it the moment he met me. So I took the angel out of the garbage, washed it off and prayed that anything attached to it is cast out of my home and off of Michael.

I will keep it to pray for Michael (not as an idol) until God tells me different.

 

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And The Spirit Moved…

I have taught this youth group for almost 6 years now. I started teaching them about 4 months after I was saved. So I was on fire for the Lord and taught them everything that God was teaching me. We bonded and grew together.

Well since my recent transformation with Christ, I have been consumed by God and I am again on fire for Him but with more maturity. The emotion that has consumed me most is love. Which makes sense because God is love.

Today I was in charge of preaching to the children during our youth service. I had a deep message from God about how we were created in His image. I was excited about the message but didn’t expect the emotion that came out of me.

The girls in our youth group started with their worship and they did an amazing job. The Spirit was flowing through our Church in such a powerful way that my body began to tremble and this emotion welled up inside of me.

I taught on how God said ‘Let us create mankind (everyone) in OUR image’. He is speaking of the Trinity, therefore we are created in 3 parts. The Soul, Spirit and body.

The soul is our mind. It stores our conscious, imagination, memories, feelings, and it is where we get our reasoning. The spirit receives impressions from our soul (mind). And the body contains the 5 senses.

Now our spirit in it’s original state (before the fall) contained Faith (trust), hope, prayer, worship and reverence (deep respect) for God. After the fall (sin) these things died. We still have the knowledge of God when we are born (Romans 1:20) but we are distant and if that fire is not kept alive (by our parents) it becomes more distant.

On top of this we experience life and the sin that happens through others toward us. So when “bad” things happen to us they go through the soul and emotions are attached to them and then an impression is made in our spirit that is already distant from God, but should love God.

This creates impressions of who we believe God is in our spirit. For me, I had huge trust issues (wall) with other people because of the things that were done toward me. This was impressed in my spirit through my soul and I didn’t trust God, which created more distance.

The cure is receiving the Holy Spirit, which is being born again (John 3:3). The job of the Holy Spirit is to regenerate (regrow what was lost) our spirit to it’s original condition.

In my story, God took me through intense healing for the past 2-3 years. The Spirit searched me and God, He saw the gaps, saw why they were there and lead me in healing. It felt like a long process that I thought would never end but it did, and I am able to love like I never have before. My spirit is in now in agreement with God’s. My mind (soul) has been renewed.

When Jesus was on the cross, He didn’t spit down upon the people who hurt Him in order to try and gain some revenge. Instead He said “Father, forgive them”. I am now able to separate person from action (sin) and love on them. This is so much more fulfilling than hurting them back and holding onto the pain, but it wasn’t possible without the Holy Spirit in my life.

I am so moved by the love that I have for others, that I prayed after my message and wept for this man that I met. He is gay and very involved in an LGBT organization (this will be my next blog). Without God and the regeneration that has happened within my soul and spirit, He wouldn’t have been able to use me to plant the seeds that He did in this mans soul. Real, untainted love is the best feeling I have ever experienced.

 

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Giving God Control…

Before my last experience with God there was another one that I didn’t tell you about.

I was confronted by a couple of Christian brothers in my Bible study and they said that I was operating in a works/performance type of mentality. Not for my Salvation but in order to produce fruit. Of course I told them they were wrong and then God revealed to me that it was true.

God showed me that 2 years ago, when He started my healing, through counseling, talking with Him and many tears, that I put a wall up to Him and His power. As my old pain came up it felt like reality to a point, and I was angry with Him and scared to keep feeling the past. This wall was only a partial wall but enough to take much of my Joy, purpose and peace. But then, when He showed me that I turned to my old ways of perfection and performance in order to feel some sense of control in my life, I saw what my brothers in Christ were seeing in me. And all the sudden the anger and pain were gone. I am through that part of my healing and I am free from the bondage that it held me in. The emotional bondage and the addiction to smoking which is what I used to somehow comfort myself.

I had been trying to quit smoking for 4-5 years and every time I failed. I worried about dying young and I worried about my witness. I have prayed for God to make me hate it and deliver me from it because another brother told me that this is what he prayed for when he wanted to be delivered and one day he woke up and he was done.

So finally, I was freed from it. It has only been 2 weeks but it feels like it’s been a life time. The reason I know it is different this time is because when the thought comes, it isn’t this gripping anxiety (stronghold) which I try to overcome with menial prayer and quick intentions, which is really doing it in my own power. Now I can actually take a deep breath and really process my thoughts. The urge is then gone within minutes. The hold is gone. One day I woke up… and hated it. When I see someone smoking I don’t want one, when I smell it I don’t like it and when I am around it all I can think about is how my eyes are burning. I am completely free.

I bought a ring to represent this new freedom. This ring reminds me of my commitment to God and His love for me. I truly feel like His bride now. A bride that can trust her husband and put her life in His hands. To me this is a huge commitment that I wasn’t willing to make in the past. The power of the Holy Spirit can once again take over and I keep reminding myself that I can’t transform myself. All I have to do is pray, practice turning and wait for deliverance of sin in my life.

 

 

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Who Am I?

I have been stuck in my life lately. I have been craving more, more purpose, more to do, just something. I have felt stuck, held in bondage to certain sin and have been asking God what I am missing, why can’t I move past this? Why am I stuck?

Last night I had Bible study and a friend said that he thinks the key is knowing who you are to God. This must have taken root in my heart because I woke up and…

I felt different. I felt deeply loved (like I used to), I saw myself (more deeply) as His daughter, His precious little girl who He wants to protect and love deeply and I felt more freedom from my struggles.

I tried to find my identity through men for so long that I never knew any other identity. My identity changed with every man I was with because I was who he wanted me to be or who I thought he wanted me to be. My life was about making him happy and I never found myself.

Since I let God into my heart I have changed so much and I would never trade who I am now for anything. But I think I got stuck in a routine of trying to be who I believed God wanted me to be and because I strive for that image, I fall into condemnation when I don’t reach it and it turns into me trying to be perfect in my own strength. The reason is because I thought He wanted me to get this life perfectly.

I am starting to see that God’s plan for me right now is simply for me to relax and stop trying so hard to please Him and just find out who I am.

When people ask me what I like to do, I don’t have much to say because I went from liking whatever the man I was with liked, to following God hard. I would never change following Him like I have so far because like i said it made me who I am now, but I know I am at a point where He wants me to find me.

So, I have been wanting to do a puzzle for a while but never took the time. Today we received a bunch of puzzles at work and I remembered how I wanted to do one, so I took a couple of opened ones home (which I will return).

It felt so good putting this puzzle together because I was doing something I wanted to try. I was seeing if it’s something I like to do and I did like it.

This may seem small to you but to me it was huge.

I have always had to be what others wanted me to be. Growing up I was who I believed my parents needed me to be, then I was who I thought a man needed me to be and then I tried being the mom I believed I needed to be.

Now God is telling me that it’s okay if I find out who I actually am. That I can take the time to find out what kind of person I want to be, what I want to do and find out who He created me to be.

This is why I think I have been held in bondage to things for so long. I had to numb myself to be who I wasn’t meant to be. But if I continue to find out who I am these things will have less power over me.

I praise God today for loving me enough to open my eyes to these things. These things seem like they should be common sense but they aren’t because we are blind to simplicity and that is why God’s wisdom is so powerful.

And even more powerful is our identity in Him, the people He created us to be individually. We are not meant to get it perfectly (which I was trying to do), because that is the whole reason why Jesus came for us.

So my advice is… To stop pursuing who you think you are supposed to be and pursue Him who created you in order to see who you truly are.

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Full House Has Gone Worldly!

Ephesians 2:2 1 And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, 2in which you formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, of the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience.

So many people are going crazy because ,The Fuller House, is now airing on Netflix. It brought back memories for me because my daughter and I would sit and watch ,Full House, together all the time when she was little. So I decided to check it out.

Within the first 3-5 minutes there were 3 sexual comments and my Spirit started to feel uneasy. I made myself watch about 10 more minutes of it in order to give it a chance, but Stephanie’s chest hanging out of her top showed me that this show was now worldly. This show like so many others are following the evil prince of this world to appease the world.

The first thing that ran through my mind was “I thought Candace was a Christian”. I had to look her up to make sure she was the person I was thinking about and unfortunately she was. I am so disappointed for two reasons.

First of all, the innocence that I knew back in the 80’s is gone and because the enemy is so sneaky people haven’t even noticed the change in our world or television shows. I would never let my child watch this show now but back then it was a good wholesome family show.

Second of all, Candace is this boisterous voice when it comes to God and speaking her Godly views on The View, but now she sold herself out for a show that is nothing but worldly, in order to make a comeback. Not to mention how she is showing others like my daughter that you can talk about God one day but follow the enemy another.

These things are the reason why our world is going to crap. It is now cool and accepted to show you body to anyone and to let your phone control you. What it really means is that you are letting the enemy control your thinking and your actions. Technology rules over relationship and so does sex. God told us and we will have no excuse. The enemy is the prince of the air we breathe. If we don’t choose to love God and enter into relationship with Him we will follow the enemy and his deceptions that are increased little by little to where we don’t even see it them happening. Then we want to blame God when our daughters are running around with their tops hanging out to attract men who will dishonor and abuse them. And yes, it all begins with the messages that we hear and see everyday.

 

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What Is A Christian To do?

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

God seems to have me in a season of accepting people for who they are. This confuses me but it is a recurring thing coming up.

I see people’s sin quickly, usually from the first moments of speaking with them or sometimes even looking at them I can peg their sin. Back in the day I was quick to point it out to them but quickly found that was ineffective and just made people mad at me. But the past few years I have learned to be patient and wait for the doors that God opens to speak into someone’s life and sometimes that never happens or I miss it.

I am now working within a secular workforce and I am struggling a lot. I have been in this training and we talk about the topic of domestic violence. So many times I just keep my mouth shut because I don’t know how to separate God and the Scripture I see when others speak, from the conversation. I know they have to respect my beliefs but I can’t constantly pummel them with truth and Scripture. So I believe that God is trying to teach me that there is some balance that I need to learn or I need to learn how to speak wisdom and truth without necessarily bringing the word God into it.

Today they were talking about culture and basically saying we all need to respect different people’s cultures and how they act. All I could visualize was how the enemy desensitizes Christians with this thinking so we become okay with sin. I would normally think that the enemy was trying to deceive me and I chose the wrong place to work but I had it come up again in another place.

I have a second interview for a part time job as a youth leader, coming up on Tuesday. During my first interview I was asked how I would react to someone who may have a different view than me, she brought up homosexuality. She asked if I could handle someone in the church thinking it was okay (this church don’t accept it)? I said “yes, I have come to understand that people won’t see the truth of sin until God opens their eyes and heart to it, so I just wait for doors to open and use Scripture at that point”. So I am in for the second interview.

I keep thinking about John 3:16 which is the most used and basic verse ever. Jesus died for all of the people, all of the lost. He loves them. So then, I think maybe God is showing me that I am more judgmental about people because of their sins than I think. Just because I don’t verbally say it anymore I still think it and feel it in my heart.

Not that I should just accept sin to the point where I start to think everyone is saved but to love them like he does where they are so that I can be even more effective when He wants to use me.

At times I feel like I am betraying Him and my faith because I am holding back on mentioning Him but I keep hearing “I love them”. I could be completely wrong but only time will tell.

 

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Fluttering Wings!!!

Matthew 4:11 Then the devil left him, and behold, angels came and were ministering to him.

I started a new job with an organization that helps women/children/men of domestic violence. Due to this new job I am required to take a domestic violence training. So my first class was yesterday. I went into this kind of annoyed because I thought of it as wasting a whole Saturday hearing about all the statistics that I know already because I am a survivor of domestic violence. But God had other plans.

During the first part of the class they just spoke about the history of DV and then we had a break. During my break time I started to become emotional and my body was shaky. I didn’t realize that my past was being stirred up until we went back and started watching a video. Half way through this video my heart started to race, my body was shaking and tears started to trickle down my face. I wanted to leave but thoughts of how the others in the class would know I was affected kept me in my seat. Then I tried to do deep breathing techniques and tears started to stream down my face. I realized that I just needed to sob so I got up and as I turned the corner two of my new coworkers were there and I just burst into tears.

We sat and talked for a while and they helped me to by validating my feelings and assured me that just because I was triggered (which is something I thought would never happen again) doesn’t mean I am not okay. It felt so good to simply tell people my pain and the injustice I felt through the court system and have them instantly understand. I was able to go back to class after the movie and share what happened with the group.

I am just amazed by God yet again because I know He brought me to this organization to further my healing and help me grow.

In the past there were times I ran from God because I didn’t want to process the pain that I knew He was leading me to because I didn’t trust Him enough. But finally I realized that I am not alone and that He is with me right now to walk me through this process. I can trust Him.

This abuse that happened so long ago has started to give me that uneasy sense as if it just happened. So this morning I turned on worship music and just closed my eyes and sang to God. As I was singing I saw shadows (through my closed eyes) of wings fluttering around me. I received a vision of Jesus in the desert when the angels came to tend to Him after Satan left Him.

I am sure that God is here and He is telling me that Satan meant harm with the abuse in my past but He is here to redeem that and He is ministering to me and healing me.

What a beautiful God have…

 

 

 

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