Did You Lose Your Zeal For Christ?

This past week has been an amazing week. I am back to how I was with God in the beginning of my walk with him. I am trusting and I want him more than my addiction.

I was asked this question “how bad do you want God and what He has in store for you”? I saw the image of a beer sparkling in a mug in my mind and I realized that I have been wanting alcohol more than God for the past few years. This truth in turn made me want God more.

He took me through a series of reminders of how I used to dance with Him, how He was the love of my life. But then when He told me we were going to walk through healing the sexual abuse in my past, I shut Him out partially, to a level I was comfortable with. I wanted Him but didn’t want the healing.

So He let me go do my thing and finally I saw yet again that it was hurting me and I wanted more again, more of Him, more of a purpose. So I surrendered.

That was the key, surrender. For the past few years (when I went back to drinking) I have been trying to quit on my own, almost like a works mentality. This lead to condemnation and more struggling. The enemy was able to help me think that I was following God and trying to be obedient but the part he left out was that it is impossible to be obedient and not controlled by my addiction, without God.

So now I have just been spending every minute with God and taking those small steps that He tells me to. He has sent others to minister due to my honesty and every time I tell of my struggle it has less power over my life. Being vulnerable and honest is hard but not as hard as hiding and struggling on your own.

Somebody once told me right after I was saved and told my testimony at church “you will lose that feeling”. Truth is I did lose that “high” when I put a wall up to God but I never lost hope and I had that feeling return on and off while I went through my struggling and God would come pull me up again. And now that feeling is as strong as it was the day I was saved.

So my thought is “if you lost your zeal for Christ, what do you need to surrender to get it back”?

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Your Freedom Awaits You!

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

The hardest thing I have had to do today was click on publish.

So here it goes…

I had a rough night and morning, but it was a good and healing kind of rough. I finally fell apart and surrendered within my heart. I have been fighting it and surrendering halfheartedly for so long that I am exhausted.

I am a Born Again Christian with a drinking problem. I am the daughter of Christ who struggles with a disease but I am not going to define myself as an alcoholic because my identity is as His daughter and I am His princess. I will not identify with the enemy.

I am done with hiding halfway in the shadows, worrying about how I need to uphold this perfect Christian facade. Or thinking that I need to be “okay” for others.

There is so much pressure on Christians to be perfect in Godliness so we aren’t called hypocrites or told that we aren’t showing Christ. When in fact this way of thinking or acting is the very opposite of His message and keeps one foot in the darkness.

I am His message. I am broken, I am weak, I am scared and powerless to overcome these things on my own. He went through what He did for me and you, so we can be set free and that dark veil can be lifted from our lives and from within our souls.

The hard part is trusting Him enough to put it out into the light. But He is waiting and will be there when you finally do. Then your freedom will come as mine has.


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My Relationship Resume…

What if you were on an online dating site and saw this resume, what would you do? I believe that if we were all as transparent as this, we would find our Hosea (whether Hosea is a man or a woman) because we all struggle in one way or another, but we have to be honest as to not deceive one another.

I am a born again Christian looking for the same…

80% of the time I am a “Christian” woman, the other 20% I am struggling with my old self.

In my old life I smoked pot on a regular basis, popped pills, drank heavily (shot after shot) to numb my pain and had the compulsion to be in a relationship thinking it would bring my change.

But it ended up that I would change who I was in every relationship to please the person I was with in the hopes that they would love me the way I wanted to be loved. Problem is that most of them were abusive yet I held on to the hope that I could change that with me compromising who I am, even though I didn’t know who that really was. The other half of the time in those relationships I was miserable because I was hiding who I really was because I couldn’t trust that person to share my actual pain and what I really needed in a man.

Now, since I have surrendered to Jesus and been saved, I am the 80/20. Right away I was delivered from the issue with “needing” a man. Then the weed and pills. Drinking went down to a 6 pack and smoking is rare, but I do smoke my vape daily. He healed me of an STD, gave me back my “innocence” and brought up my confidence.

But how it is now, 6 years later… One day I am praising God and not struggling with who I am, the next I am listening to secular hard core metal/rock and drinking, then the next day I am listening to worship music while drinking. But no matter what day it is, I am talking to God and about God. I think about Him every moment I am awake and sometimes in my sleep. My heart yearns for Him all the time and my soul craves talking about Him no matter what state of mind I am in. I can’t even watch a movie without thinking about Him and a message for the world. I talk to Him as if He were sitting right next to me (thank God for Bluetooth, so others don’t think I am crazy (:

I always think about how unworthy I am to have the kind of love that I have from Him, that He shows me all of these things. He shows me how we should love others in a way that is foreign to the rest of the world, but how if we did love as He does us, the world would be so different, people would be so different.

For myself I see the need for a Hosea. I may not be as bad off as Gomer but I see that there are things in my life that don’t seem faithful to God, but my heart is there. I want and need someone who will pursue me and love me as God loves and pursues me. I need to talk to you for real and be transparent and instead of being condemned have Scripture come from you mouth without judgment.

I will always take care of you, I won’t cheat in the way Gomer did, but I am cheating on God and you, in ways I believe we all are. And if those ways aren’t ways that will hurt or abuse each other then I believe we should love and pursue each other in the way God loves and pursues us.

This video summarizes it perfectly.





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The Sun Brings Pain…

John 1:5 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

I don’t even know where I am going to go with this blog, and I feel it’s going to be a long one.

I usually only write when things are good but they aren’t right now… It’s not like it’s the first time things have been tough, but I usually don’t share until the change has come. You see, with God there are these times that we come to know as the dessert. It’s a dry place where you struggle, you don’t sense His presence and you may feel (like I do) that I am doing everything wrong. But then it seems like out of nowhere, everything you went through comes to fruition and you are filled with pure Joy and Peace. This is what keeps me going, that Hope of knowing that this will pass.

Every Summer I seem to go through this slump, where I crave being able to do the things I used to without conviction. People have said this is because the nice weather brings things out of us that other seasons don’t. But I have really questioned this in my life and I believe that I relate it to bad things that have happened in my life. Summer is the season when I feel I need to numb most, and when my desire for being desired is stirred up.

I feel like I start to let God down even though Scripture tells me that He loves me so much and just believing in the sacrifice he made is enough. He will let me do my thing, get angry and feel like I am falling apart yet take care of me during it and bless me abundantly after. But I can’t shake the feeling that I am betraying Him like Judas did.

I have actually seen His blessings in my life and His love since I was saved (they were always there, I just didn’t see them then) and yet I crave what brought me to Him in the first place. The things I crave made me miserable yet I want them back at times. I don’t understand, other than in that moment its gone.

The only thing I can think of is that the nicer months used to be my favorite growing up and now the memories I have (that should bring me happiness) bring me sadness. I remember being outside all the time at the park, learning how to ride a bike, my parents had people over, and I remember them sitting outside at night talking while we played ghosts in the graveyard. But that fatal night when I was changed and my innocence was taken, everything changed. My mom went from what I remember, to someone filled with despair. Even though she did nothing wrong, she felt the pain deeper than I did. Life can kick you ass at times but you may not be the blame.

Ever since then, the sun on my face and the crickets chirping have brought me pain.



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He Is Electric!!!

John 14:6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

I watched a movie named “Lucy” tonight. It was a movie where this girl was injected with drugs that increased her brain capacity. She started being able to do and feel things normal human beings can’t. As I watched this movie I started to see Jesus (God) and what He has done in my life.

First, God protects us from things that are too much for us. Yes, I know you can’t find that exact passage in Scripture, but take all of Scripture and your experience in life and see that it is true. People in Scripture that were in His presence fell at His feet, like in Revelation 1:17 and couldn’t look directly at Him (but read all of Revelation because it is our future). Second, humans only use 10% of their brains. God protects us from His full power. And since He created our brains which is our soul, which stores memories and feelings etc, He only increases it little by little, even through our healing. Otherwise the full power of it would be too much.

I know in my past I needed liquid courage to accomplish anything, even if it was what most would think of as trivial. But as I have grown with God, I have become more than I ever imagined and without the liquid I once needed. This doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle, it means that the power it once held is less because His power has become more. I can see people’s sin the moment I meet them, which means that I can see what holds them back from knowing Jesus (God). I can take the smallest verse and break it down to you for an hour if you would let me. I can be completely vulnerable and speak in front of others. I feel compassion for others and their pain to where I cry for those I don’t even know sometimes. These are my gifts. And they weigh a heavy burden on me sometimes which means I need to go to God more and more.

When I tell people about God, those that are still blind to Him think I am brain washing myself with Scripture like they are with words. The thing is though, that the words become alive in me before I even know they exist. For example, when I was saved I instantly stopped popping pills and smoking weed, I instantly stopped swearing, I instantly stopped having sex, an STD I had for 17 years was gone and I was instantly no longer angry. I thought what is happening to me? And I instantly knew to pick up a Bible. I found through my research that I received the Holy Spirit which is only attainable through believing that Jesus died for my wrong doing and rose so I could receive Him as a Spirit inside of my human body and go to Heaven (being Born Again).  And my love for others has been increasing, even for my enemies, ever since. And as we all know this is not the natural human response to those who have hurt you. I am also brought to my knees at times because of the overwhelming love I feel from Him.

Life is not this constant high though, even with God, because without struggle we wouldn’t see the power that we really hold within us because of Him, we wouldn’t see who He really created us to be. It is tough at times because it seems like the dessert lasts so much longer than the freedom and growth. But the feeling and the change from deep within (the Spiritual growth) during the good times is so powerful that I am willing to go through the dessert, which is how we grow.

It is like that liquid courage but sober and times 1 million. It makes me a better person, more effective for others. There is no better purpose than to help someone else to feel or see God’s love in that very moment they need it. His blood runs through our veins whether you  want to believe it or not.

When I listen to Electronica such as D2 by Hydrargyrum, I can connect with Him so deeply because so many of us connect through music that we can feel. He is deep, like electric running through your veins. But He actually becomes reality to where you know it’s not you or the words you read, but actual power that is not of yourself.


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I Despised Her…

I was with Heaven’s dad for 7 years and he left for another woman. They got married and had a baby girl.

I had to continue letting Heaven see him when he chose to do so and although I didn’t care for this woman, she was my only hope that Heaven would be okay during visits. I remember being torn, praying that this woman would take care of her, yet hating her for taking him at the same time.

The stories I heard about her from him were appalling to me, and I thought how could he leave me, who did everything I could for him, for someone like her?

The part of me that still wanted him was the sick little girl that was stuck deep down inside of me. Subconsciously I was comfortable with abuse and actually ran toward it. I didn’t see truth and I believed everything he said. I also believed that something was wrong with me instead.

14 years later they are divorced and Heaven wants nothing to do with her dad, of her own thinking. God knows I told her over and over to give him another chance, which she did, and over and over he let her down. So my prayers (now as a saved Christian) turned into “God, let Heaven have a relationship with her sister”. Little did I know that would involve me.

You see, Heaven thought that she would never see her sister again if she didn’t talk to her dad. But she stood firm and didn’t want to be hurt anymore and just cried. So I prayed.

Less than a year later, her sister’s mom friend requested me on FB and I thought “what does she want”? “Is she spying on us for him”? So I ignored it and then as I continued to feel urged to look at her page, I did and I saw that it was all about God and accepted her request to see what happened.

Some months later she messaged me and apologized for the past. I couldn’t believe it but automatically told her that I forgave her and she did the same.

Since then, they came to visit and I felt like we have been friends for years. The other day I needed prayer and she was the only one that came to mind. So I text her and she obliged. I call her when I need to talk and wish that she lived closer.

Just goes to show you how God works mysteriously. We hated each other, why? Jealousy and lies. But beside all that there is a connection through our girls and God. The power of kindness and forgiveness is amazing grace.

I am so proud of us now and amazed…

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He Is Literally Blowing My Mind…

I am putting a message together for my youth group this week and it is about refining us like silver.

I just started with one verse and decided to look up the definitions and God is literally blowing my mind.

The verse is Isaiah 66:10 For you God, tested us; You refined us like silver. 

You can take this one small short verse and find so much information by looking up definitions. Lets take tested for example. When you think about tested what comes to mind? No looking, just think of you own definition first…

Okay, I thought of a test in school. They give you a test to see what you have learned or to see where you are in a subject. Well, the definition brings it to life even more.

take measures to check the quality, performance, or reliability of (something), especially before putting it into widespread use or practice.


reveal the strengths or capabilities of (someone or something) by putting them under strain.

Wow, this shows being sanctified. Being set apart from the world or the norm. You see our sole purpose here on earth is to glorify God in all we do. Your work, raising your children and taking care of yourself and your home all qualify. The way you think of others and the words you speak are a huge part because it shows where your heart is, it shows the kind of person you are. But the norm is to be judgmental, fight back, curse and drink or drug to stuff you problems deep down inside. But God’s ways are the complete opposite way. However, we can’t accomplish the opposite without the Holy Spirit inside of us, changing us. And we can’t receive the Holy Spirit without accepting Jesus Christ as our connection through His sacrifice.

God wants to change us to be more like Him so He can use us in ways that we never thought possible. This takes us back to the first definition. He tests us to see where we are, our quality, our performance, our reliability (faith). He does this so He can use us to bring Christ to others, so they can also partake in this mind blowing kind of life, the free life. Free of bitterness, anger and our own harmful ways of coping. So He tests us and gives us opportunities to do things that bring peace, purpose and joy to not only ourselves but to others, a little at a time and more each time as we grow.

This takes us into the second definition. As He tests us and changes us to do His work, He reveals our strengths and capabilities. I call these hidden jewels. Whenever He changes me it hurts a bit, but not the kind of hurt we put ourselves through. His kind of hurt doesn’t linger and destroy our lives, it comes and goes quickly bringing healing and then those jewels rise.

Some of my jewels have been… Confidence, Joy, Peace, Loving others even when they are unlovable, being patient and listening, keeping my mouth shut until it’s time and enjoying public speaking (crazy I know). I recently found out I am actually a very talkative person, I am not shy like I thought, that was just all the shame I carried that made me think I had nothing worth saying. And the list goes on.

The strain in the definition is not a painful thing like your imagining either. He gives us bigger more purposeful opportunities as time goes on, but He has to mold us or train us with things that come our way in life. It’s like working out, you won’t get the muscles you want if you don’t keep adding to the weight that your lifting.

So to conclude this long blog… The enemy is also after us, he doesn’t want us stronger and making an impact in our lives or the lives of others. So next time you have a choice to make, really think it out and if it seems at all like it could harm you or your life, choose the opposite direction, even if it seems harder and you will see your jewels come.

So now I dare you to look up the other words in this verse. How about go one step further and check out how silver is refined (look up refined too). Peace

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